Isn't he just the sweetest thing ever! :) I think God really created something amazing! Well, the updates I've been receiving about Zane are good. He's eating good, and growing more and more everyday. It really helps my heart to settle getting daily updates, if not daily every other day. I have been emotionally struggling this week, I think I'm coming to the realization that my son is in someone else's arms but God really has grabbed ahold of me, and these feelings are starting to calm down, and ease.
So far, my emotional journey has really tired me and stressed me out a little. I have been reading the book of Ecclesiastes, and my all time favorite chapter is 3. Next to the chapter it says, A Time for Everything. I have used this chapter before in time's of grief. It seemed to really help me get through to my next phase.
My emotional battle that I'm going through right now is exactly the battle I'm supposed to be going through. I firmly believe that God is allowing me to feel these feelings because I am strong enough to get through this. But only if I allow myself to actually FEEL these things!!!! I've learned this week to allow myself to grieve, and be angry, and have hate, and to be jealous. But because I've cared about what people thought of me if I was to show these emotions, I have hid them deep, deep down in my heart...
I have been just in a deep state of mind sort of, but with God, and prayer, and worshiping Him, I've started going through these emotions. Yes, I'm angry. Why, because I don't have the needs or essentials of taking proper care of my son, and God knew that, and allowed me to give the gift of life to him anyways, and a gift of a child to a couple who didn't have children. Yes, I'm jealous. Because they are the ones kissing him goodnight, and feeding him. They are the ones changing his diapers, and my heart longs for that. It does hurt, and I do cry, and hate it. But, I have learned from Mama Brown, who is my house parent here at Fatherheart, that the only way to get comforted fully is to get on my knees and CRY OUT TO GOD! And I've done it many times, and now I am feeling the comfort of the Holy Spirit! It's the best thing I've ever felt. I honestly can't remember the last time I've feel this close to the Lord. Of course I've grown up in a christian household, and went to church pretty much my whole life, but I've messed up a lot and got off that straight and narrow path. I've tried living life MY way, and saw that there wasn't ANYTHING good coming out of it, except my son Zane, and that's because I turned my life around and got back with the Lord, and He gave me "Beauty for Ashes", Isaiah 61:3. That's truly my verse to turn to in this time of grief!
I hope that this blog post hasn't offended anyone, if so, it wasn't intentional. My desire was to reach out to someone who has read this....
jordan :)
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