My Journey to Lubbock, and Next Steps in Life!

The weekend of the 4th of October through the 6th, I was able to attend a Birth Mothers Retreat in Midland, Texas. Wow, is all I can say from that.. the Lord allowed extra healing to begin again, and won the battle that Satan was trying to attack me with.

On that Sunday, the 6th, I rode up to Lubbock and was able to spend the afternoon with my Ethan and his family. I was so very nervous about meeting everyone, and really let Satan try and defeat me, but THANK YOU JESUS for having my back and LOVING me and fighting for me!!!!

Ethan is such a little toddler!!! He's speaking more, and walking good, and can even say "Joran"... blesses my heart to the extreme!!!!! I was able to get some pictures thanks to Kurt's mom, Grana. :) I will post them when I get them!!
It was a very special time, to be able to see Ethan in his daily atmosphere, and environment. To actually walk in his bedroom, wake him up and see all the pictures of me he has on his walls... ugh, getting teary eyed just thinking about it right now!!! We had a great lunch, and went to the park to play. 

He wanted me to read books to him, and play. It was an awesome experience seeing him happy, and watching him interact with Kurt and Logan. It had been a while since I've seen Kurt, and just seeing Ethan older with him was heart warming!!!

It seemed Ethan's new word was "Nooooooo", so my child!!! :) 

I'm very blessed for the communication I do have with them and take it for granted when I think I deserve more. Then the Lord just pops up in my head and says for me to step back and realize what I do have is what other birth moms long for!!!! Thank you Holy Spirit for your teachings and opening my eyes!!!

Do You Value Life? Have you ever wondered the different aspects of the Living Alternatives Ministry?? Join us on Friday 8 November to hear life changing stories, and to fellowship with an awesome local Ministry.https://events.r20.constantcontact.com/register/eventReg?oeidk=a07e88ztj6415cb3d3a Click this link to sign up!

Living Alternatives is having their Annual Banquet on November 8th, and I will be sharing, along with the main speaker Gail McWilliams, please please keep the ministry in prayers and the speakers, as we all are trying to share and show Jesus' work in us!!!


Thanks everyone for you love and support!!!

School has most of my time right now, I have one final this week, and start up another class next week! Along with my other two classes I'm taking. Oh, and I'm still working full time in the Information Services Department at Mercy Ships! :)

xoxo

jordan

The Tide is high but I'm Holding on...

02 July 2013 already? Really?? Where has my life gone in these past few months..

Honestly, that is a big open ended question right now. 

As of Wednesday, 26 June 2013, I am officially a Student of TJC. My first semester is already paid for, THANKS Financial Aid!!! :))

I can't believe it's actually happening, and that I am going back to school and studying computers, and getting my nerdy pants on!!! :) 

My first semester will be kinda crazy, only because I am going to have to learn how to juggle a Full-Time job, and right under full-time at school.
I am currently enrolled in:
~ Intro To Computing
~Intro To PC Operations

~ Music Appreciation

Two are online, and the PC Operations class is in Tyler, at the TJC Campus. 

I know that my schedule with life in general will be very cram packed, but I also know all the doors the the Lord has opened for me to even attempt this! 

Well, I did it. I finally met my birth-father, Thomas. I will admit, the night before I went to go meet him in the Ellis Unit in Huntsville, Tx, was difficult. I really feel like there was spiritual warfare going on with me. I couldn't sleep, and I kept tossing and turning. I have full faith that Jesus allowed this door to be opened between me and my father because of the healing in both of our lives. 

Driving up to a prison brought a lot of emotion to me as well. Just to think back to where I was almost 3 years ago, and see how far I've come and what all the God has done in my life to save me from the pits of hell...it's astonishing!!! 

I could have been in my father's shoes, and been locked up for many, many years. 

I literally was shaking in my boots that drive up from the first Guard Shack, where we had to get out and pop the trunk and hood. 

Next, we had to go to another Guard Shack to even "check" in...then drive to another dorm where the trustee's camp was. 

Then after entering the visiting room, I was frisked by an older woman..I couldn't even understand what she was saying!!! Then after walking in, I told her, "Umm, could you show me which one is my dad...I've never seen him before." The look on her face was crazy.. all of a sudden, I saw a man stand up, and I was just taken back. This man looked like me!!! Well really, I looked like him. He waved, and started crying, and opened his arms. The moment I hugged my Birth-Father, I felt a sense of peace over my spirit. Knowing that this was the right thing, and that I was blessed to even have this opportunity. 

After two hours of talking and just realizing the work that the Lord has and is continuing to do in BOTH of our lives, we parted. My dad hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. Walking to the car, I started crying...I felt hurt in my heart. I felt a feeling of missing a loved one in my heart. 

I began questioning myself, as to why I would even have an ounce of that feeling toward him, someone that has never ever been in my life. Not even once. It's like I felt like he didn't deserve that kind of feelings from me. 

The whole trip home, all I could think about was, "Oh my gosh, I have a dad. I just met my dad."..for about a week, I felt like I was on cloud nine!! I almost couldn't even comprehend what was going on. 

My fear with this, is that he is going to get out, and get around the same people and have to go back in for revoking parole. I personally understand the struggle of getting out into the real world, but I can only imagine what it is going to be like after 13 years of being locked up. I have realized that I shouldn't expect anything from him when he gets out. I know that right now, he is okay and is probably on point with God. I know that things change and so do people once they're around others. I am also hoping that he will one to change for himself instead of for me like he's expressed. Because in the end, I can't change him. He has to want to do it, and has to have the discipline and determination to accomplish this! 

I know that when two of God's children are brought together, and are under the Lords wings, Satan can't stand it. I know that he's trying to mess a lot of things up, but I have faith that I'm on the winning side, and I will not be let down by my God. 

I am planning another quick visit early Saturday Morning to get a picture, please pray that everything goes smoothly, and that I can capture this moment in my life.

My little squishy isn't so little anymore!! He just turned one and a half last week. I can't believe that it's already been almost 2 years to have this little man in all of our lives. 

He looks more and more like me everyday. I can't believe it..he has brought so much joy in my life..and continues to everyday. Even on the hard days, where I think I can't do it anymore, and just want to give up. Looking at his sweet face in a picture adds enough fuel to my fire to keep going. For him, not for anyone else, besides myself. 

I would never want Ethan to go through what I am going through with birthparents. I want him to grow up and know that his Mama J did everything in life that she could to better herself and his life. I am not ashamed of being a Birth Mom, because I know that my son is well taken care of and loved. 

Soooo yeah, life is busy right now, I am booked up through the beginning of school with extra summer jobs of house sitting, and pet watching. Which ends up being like a mini-vacation for me! :) I am hoping to get in a little quality time with some family back home. 

Sometimes I get the feeling like I'm "drowning", but the Lord gave me a wonderful vision of my life the other night at Generation North. 

There was a rock that was planted firmly in the middle of these crashing waves, like in the picture above. Engraved in that rock was a Lamb, which I am certain symbolizes the Jesus. On top of that rock was me, with arms reaching up to the sky, and from above coming out of the sky was very bright "things" and they were just "pouring" into me, and to me I feel like that is a symbolism of the blessings and words and things that God is "pouring" into my life, while I'm on the solid rock of the Lamb. And I believe that, and then looking down, at the bottom of my feet are these ropes coming out of the rock tied to my ankles to keep me from falling "back" into the crashing waves. I feel like that's a true vision of my life right now. 

I don't know if any of you can even understand me, but this is just my heart, and yea...I express way different than others.

xoxox

jordan

Long Time No See...If That's What You Call It..

Well, as of today, I have officially found my birth-father, and have made the first contact. I must admit, after gathering his information that my mom gave me, and searching though the Texas Department of Criminal Justice website, or in other words, the Texas Inmate Locator website, I got a little fearful. I waited about 2 weeks before I actually wrote him. Why you may ask, well because I have learned to walk in obedience with the Lord and I really wanted to make sure that what I was about to do, and the doors I were about to open was the right thing for me at this moment. After seeking the Lord and not being fearful anymore about contacting him, I sat down one night, alone, and the words just came. I have a strong belief that they came directly from the Lord, and that if they didn't then I couldn't have done it...I sent the letter the next day, and waited...

and waited..

and waited... until

Finally, I had received a letter back from Thomas Peterson, my father..

Now, in my letter I first sent him, I didn't hide nothing from him. I talked about my struggles with drugs and alcohol, and about Ethan and his adoption, and how my life was growing up. And about the Lord and my relationship with Him. The response I got really shocked me...

According to the letter I received, my father is a God loving man, and I have 3 uncles, 1 aunt, and a half brother and a living grandmother. Who I called the very next day after receiving the letter, and had a nice conversation with her! I couldn't believe everything I'd heard. I was so happy, and grateful for Jesus working all this out, and all I could do that night was praise the Father for his faithfulness.

About a week later, I wrote him back again...just explaining to him about my boundaries I will have to set up IF we were to even have a relationship, and just other things, about Ethan and work...and yesterday I checked my mail and had a homemade card saying Praying For You Jordan on the front and a couple of old pictures of some family.  



I have still been in contact with him, and have set boundaries, and am planning on going  to see him. I have had 2 letters since the first initial one. I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for this aspect of my life. 

Word..

I normally try and write blog posts about my journey of adoption, that normally consists of information about Ethan and etc. But today is different. 

Today at CCF, the Lord clearly spoke to me about fully taking up my cross and following Him. Pastor David really brought a good message, and it meant so much to me. How many times in the past have you gotten distracted in life? I know that it happens to us all! I have been really consistent about staying in the Word lately, and have had a ton of revelations going on. But I think and wonder have a truly threw everything down and taken up my cross and been a full follower of Jesus Christ. I want to say that I have but I think now that I thought I was... I don't know if that makes sense to you or not, but to me it means a lot. 

Then tonight at family night, the speaker spoke on "Where are we going?"

Now I know what I "want" to do in life, and what I "think" I should do in life, but I came to the realization that with God, that doesn't matter!!! I won't get nowhere unless it's His plan. Our ultimate goal is to be with the Father, and I can't wait! I am now seeking confirmation again from the Lord for my Vision and calling in life. 

I hope that you can pray with me about the Lord speaking so clearly about what my calling truly is....

thanks

jordan

xoxo

My Life Be Like...Ohhhh Ahhhh...

Another year has gone, and my Ethan Richard is already 1 year old...I honestly can not believe the time has flown by. But I am still, everyday more and more grateful for the part I do have in his life! I know he doesn't understand things right now, but I am so sure, with the parents he has, that he will understand one day!!!

So, Christmas was well,  interesting, it snowed and that was very fun to have on Christmas day, and I did get a few things that I love!!! I had the opportunity to house sit over the holiday, and watched a boxer, which was also very interesting! But enjoyable in the least!!!


I did not get to see Ethan for Christmas, as was my "expectation", which I learned that it is all in the Lord's timing! Not mine! I should not "expect" Logan and Kurt to bring me Ethan whenever I think it's right. Hello!!! They have their own life!! And it's such an honor to even get to see him when I do, and all the pictures I get and videos and even just random texts I get! I am so blessed beyond measure with The Hurst's and Ethan! But to my surprise, Ethan and Logan were coming into town the day after my birthday, two weeks ago...and I GOT TO VISIT HIM!!! :) They came up on Friday, the 25th to my work, so I could be a happy mommy and show off my sweet boy!! Everyone has heard so much about him, but I was so excited to show him off!! And Logan of course! :) Then, after that very short, quick visit on Friday, I had a nice long visit on Sunday afternoon, which led into Family Night, and then a few mins afterwards...It was just so sweet to see Ethan recognize me, even if he was just a happy little boy, I will still believe it's because he knows it's "Me, Mommy Jordan". This time it was extra hard for me to say goodbye, he has such a personality, and is bubbly, and so cute. But what was hard was not knowing when I would see him again...but I have leaned on the Lord for His timing again...even though it will be difficult to submit at first to His timing, I will see the reasoning! Just like I do every other time!! A few days after they left, Ethan started walking and I got a video of it, and just started crying.. I couldn't believe it! Seeing that video just made my heart ache for him to be with me. But, I went back and read my journals from my pregnancy, and looked at the pictures I've gotten so far, and saw how happy Ethan is and how happy Logan and Kurt are..my mind just kept replaying the adoption ceremony, and how much of a blessing I have become to Logan and Kurt's whole family..Seeing Ethan is both a blessing and a struggle, and I am thankful for friends who are sensitive to these feelings that I express! It's always hard for about a week after he's gone back home. But then in between visits, it's always nice to receive pictures and videos!!!

I would say that this past birthday on the 23rd, until Ethan left was the best birthday week I've ever had! 
And I even got a surprise birthday party, that I've ALWAYS wanted! Thrown by my friend, Alex!! It was quite the night!! :)I have truly learned how much I  am loved by my Living Alternatives Family again!!!


Now I just want to share a little of my heart, and where I am right now...

At the beginning of the year, I got a new job with Mercy Ships, in the Information Services Department. I have an awesome boss, and I work with GREAT people!!! I am truly grateful for the door that the Lord has opened up for me here at Mercy Ships. I have been praying for a full-time job, and it's in a wonderful department. I have always had an interest in the computer field, but never have pursued it. Since I have been here at Mercy Ships, I have always had a heart for the ship, and wanted to go out onto the ship, just like everyone else!!! But the Lord has given me such a passion for the missions aspect since being here full time, and actually working closely with the Information Services Department, here at the IOC and the Africa Mercy. The Lord was so clear in telling me and showing me that I was going to the ship, to serve with the Information Services Department there. And in confirmation, he has allowed me to go back to school, to earn a degree in computers, and I just got my acceptance letter to Tyler Junior College, after waiting and waiting to "hear from the Lord". Its so crazy! Also, just a bunch of little things in my life are lining up again, and doors are opening...Here am I Lord, SEND ME!!! :)


I have recently, like yesterday, found my birth father online, in prison. He's due for parole in September, which is crazy, because I've always wanted to know about him. Not necessarily him, but things I can pass onto Logan, Kurt and Ethan. About family health issues, or traits that both me and Ethan may pick up. Also, it's just interesting to me to find him now, after 23 years of not knowing him. I have prayed too, and have wanted to find him, but never have known how to. I do know that some people may not agree to this decision, but I think that I will never know if I don't try and find out. It's not like I want to go visit him in Huntsville, but I would like to write him, if that's the Lords will.  I am very cautious about anything right now, I am just thankful that there may be a way to connect with him. I mean who knows what this man has been through, maybe he has struggled with some of the similar things I have in the past. Maybe he's a Christian, and is a follower of Jesus. All these maybe's but the only way it'll ever be a yes he is or a no he isn't, is to step out of my comfort zone, and ask! 



The Lord is working to restore the relationship between me and my mother as well, which is such a blessing and prayer answered...there are boundaries set up, and we each have respect for each other's feelings and have both communicated each others feelings from the past. I am thankful to work on out relationship, and see what happens. Some people don't understand my reasoning with things, but I  don't think that these things need reasons, when the Lords involved... 


I have almost one of my debts paid off that's hanging over my head, and I see that as a BIG accomplishment. It's not holding me back, but still have probation payments to be taken care of, and I have a feeling that by next summer, I will be paid off with that. I am working really hard, and am on top of my things...


Thank you to everyone who follows my story, and pray's for me for whatever I may need prayer for...


Please continue to pray for me and Ethan, along with Logan and Kurt. 



jordan
xoxo

Well, it sure has been a while since I have wrote on this blog. A lot of things have changed and have happened. A lot of emotions, and feelings have been going on. Ethan will be 1 year old in 3 weeks. Which will come quickly! Just like this past year has! :( 

A lot of payments have been sent into probation. Some people will look at my left remaining total and say it's going to take a long time, but not me! I have a lot of faith that the Lord will provide for me!!!! No matter what job, or money I make, the Lord will create a way for me to pay my dues!! I have come to the realization that I am building up my integrity and trust with these people. 

I am still in the Aftercare Program with Living Alternatives. And am continuing to move forward, slowly but surly! :) Last month, we celebrated the 30th Anniversary and had the yearly banquet. Such an honor to be a part of this ministry, even if they are still ministering to me! :) I am still working at the Anchorage Cafe, but new things are brewing up there for me. Last month, I worked in the IS Dept, filling in for a lady while she was on medical leave. I loved the feeling of having a FULLTIME JOB! :) Haha. I have continued to move forward there too!

Now, onto the biggest change in my life...
Ethan Richard will be tuning 1 in just 3 weeks!! I can't believe he's been in this world for almost a year!!! How am I taking it? Well, so far kinda on the fence about everything! People continue to ask me about what Christmas will look like for me, and frankly, I have no idea! I could be doing great or I could be sad! I honestly don't know!!! Here's my thinking about Ethan's birthday, on the 27th... I want to throw him a party and take pictures and send them to him, and just show him that I am thinking about him and celebrating with him!!! I can't believe that Logan and Kurt have been in my life for already a year! Ethan had had some many milestones in these past few months, first teeth, hair cuts, trying to walk!!! Ughh. It's all a little overwhelming! But I can really see the Lord in everything!!! :) 


So thankful for the Lord's continue blessings and faithfullness in my life. I know that He's for me and NOT against me!!!!!

Thank you for all you're prayers and your continued support of my decisions in life...

I love you all!!! SO MUCH! :)



Prayer Requests:
For the Anniversary of the Placement Day on December 31st
A big Donation for Debts, so I can move on in life! :)
A Fulltime Job at Mercy Ships.
For me emotional status! :)


xoxo 
jordan

Help Me I'm Worrying...But Not Really!?

Ok, so I know that it's been almost a month since I wrote a blog. And believe it or not, not a whole lot has changed!! :) 

I am working everyday of the week Monday thru Friday, mornings ranging from 6:30 am to 1 pm and 11:30 am to 4 pm. It's been quite the adventure working at the Anchorage meeting new people, and getting to share my testimony and learning other peoples! I really enjoy working there, and my manager, Kathy has really been a blessing to me, especially advice wise, and helping me work through things!!! Alex, now works with me there, and it has been fun getting to see people try and figure out who's who! :) :) :)

Well, I just finished reading a book by Joyce Meyer, it's about worrying, and that's a problem that I have!! HEHE.. But in the book she talks about giving everything to God, no matter what it is, because we aren't here to "fix" things on our own, or by ourselves. The Lord says He wants to do that..."Cast all your cares upon him, for he careth for you..."
I have an issue about this!!! I always am worrying, about making people upset with me, or hurting other people accidentally, about Ethan, and about my life...but rather than worrying I just simply have to LET GO AND LET GOD!!!!!!! Duhhh, Jordan! Life would be SO MUCH EASIER!!! That's what I heard the Lord tell me when I was reading this book! :) It  truly was the Lord that led me to this book, because at the moment I started reading it, I was worrying extremely too much!!! :) And now I must say that my load is a little lighter!!
Although, there is times when I start to worry, but then I step back and say to my self, Jordan, Give it to God!!!

I saw Ethan last weekend! Boy that baby isn't much of a baby anymore!! He's starting to crawl more and sitting up on his own! :*( He's grown so much since the last time in April I saw him!!!! I truly felt from the Lord that this was His timing to see Ethan and Logan and Kurt! The whole time they were over here at my house, I didn't cry!!! Yes it was emotional for me, but the tears were none! Because I think that I'm finally getting to the stage that it's okay to see him and everything isn't awkward or emotional. I still haven't cried but REJOICED for seeing him!! I can't believe that even today, he's 8 months old. Where did all the time gooo!!!!!

Tomorrow is probably going to be an emotional day for me though...but I'm going to try my best to stand firm and strong. It's been 2 years without my Nanny by my side, and I can't believe I haven't gave up!!! I really honestly didn't think that life would ever be without you, but I know that someday we'll be reunited with each other and Praise the Lord when that will be!!! I loved my Nanny so much! She gave me so much in my life, and I know that I was a very hard/spoiled child and young adult, but the little things that she did teach me, will go on forever with me!!!!


Just continue to pray about my next steps in life...that the Lord will reveal them in His timing!!! 
Thanks for your continued support and love and prayers!!! Love you guys!



xoxo
jordan