The Tide is high but I'm Holding on...

02 July 2013 already? Really?? Where has my life gone in these past few months..

Honestly, that is a big open ended question right now. 

As of Wednesday, 26 June 2013, I am officially a Student of TJC. My first semester is already paid for, THANKS Financial Aid!!! :))

I can't believe it's actually happening, and that I am going back to school and studying computers, and getting my nerdy pants on!!! :) 

My first semester will be kinda crazy, only because I am going to have to learn how to juggle a Full-Time job, and right under full-time at school.
I am currently enrolled in:
~ Intro To Computing
~Intro To PC Operations

~ Music Appreciation

Two are online, and the PC Operations class is in Tyler, at the TJC Campus. 

I know that my schedule with life in general will be very cram packed, but I also know all the doors the the Lord has opened for me to even attempt this! 

Well, I did it. I finally met my birth-father, Thomas. I will admit, the night before I went to go meet him in the Ellis Unit in Huntsville, Tx, was difficult. I really feel like there was spiritual warfare going on with me. I couldn't sleep, and I kept tossing and turning. I have full faith that Jesus allowed this door to be opened between me and my father because of the healing in both of our lives. 

Driving up to a prison brought a lot of emotion to me as well. Just to think back to where I was almost 3 years ago, and see how far I've come and what all the God has done in my life to save me from the pits of hell...it's astonishing!!! 

I could have been in my father's shoes, and been locked up for many, many years. 

I literally was shaking in my boots that drive up from the first Guard Shack, where we had to get out and pop the trunk and hood. 

Next, we had to go to another Guard Shack to even "check" in...then drive to another dorm where the trustee's camp was. 

Then after entering the visiting room, I was frisked by an older woman..I couldn't even understand what she was saying!!! Then after walking in, I told her, "Umm, could you show me which one is my dad...I've never seen him before." The look on her face was crazy.. all of a sudden, I saw a man stand up, and I was just taken back. This man looked like me!!! Well really, I looked like him. He waved, and started crying, and opened his arms. The moment I hugged my Birth-Father, I felt a sense of peace over my spirit. Knowing that this was the right thing, and that I was blessed to even have this opportunity. 

After two hours of talking and just realizing the work that the Lord has and is continuing to do in BOTH of our lives, we parted. My dad hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. Walking to the car, I started crying...I felt hurt in my heart. I felt a feeling of missing a loved one in my heart. 

I began questioning myself, as to why I would even have an ounce of that feeling toward him, someone that has never ever been in my life. Not even once. It's like I felt like he didn't deserve that kind of feelings from me. 

The whole trip home, all I could think about was, "Oh my gosh, I have a dad. I just met my dad."..for about a week, I felt like I was on cloud nine!! I almost couldn't even comprehend what was going on. 

My fear with this, is that he is going to get out, and get around the same people and have to go back in for revoking parole. I personally understand the struggle of getting out into the real world, but I can only imagine what it is going to be like after 13 years of being locked up. I have realized that I shouldn't expect anything from him when he gets out. I know that right now, he is okay and is probably on point with God. I know that things change and so do people once they're around others. I am also hoping that he will one to change for himself instead of for me like he's expressed. Because in the end, I can't change him. He has to want to do it, and has to have the discipline and determination to accomplish this! 

I know that when two of God's children are brought together, and are under the Lords wings, Satan can't stand it. I know that he's trying to mess a lot of things up, but I have faith that I'm on the winning side, and I will not be let down by my God. 

I am planning another quick visit early Saturday Morning to get a picture, please pray that everything goes smoothly, and that I can capture this moment in my life.

My little squishy isn't so little anymore!! He just turned one and a half last week. I can't believe that it's already been almost 2 years to have this little man in all of our lives. 

He looks more and more like me everyday. I can't believe it..he has brought so much joy in my life..and continues to everyday. Even on the hard days, where I think I can't do it anymore, and just want to give up. Looking at his sweet face in a picture adds enough fuel to my fire to keep going. For him, not for anyone else, besides myself. 

I would never want Ethan to go through what I am going through with birthparents. I want him to grow up and know that his Mama J did everything in life that she could to better herself and his life. I am not ashamed of being a Birth Mom, because I know that my son is well taken care of and loved. 

Soooo yeah, life is busy right now, I am booked up through the beginning of school with extra summer jobs of house sitting, and pet watching. Which ends up being like a mini-vacation for me! :) I am hoping to get in a little quality time with some family back home. 

Sometimes I get the feeling like I'm "drowning", but the Lord gave me a wonderful vision of my life the other night at Generation North. 

There was a rock that was planted firmly in the middle of these crashing waves, like in the picture above. Engraved in that rock was a Lamb, which I am certain symbolizes the Jesus. On top of that rock was me, with arms reaching up to the sky, and from above coming out of the sky was very bright "things" and they were just "pouring" into me, and to me I feel like that is a symbolism of the blessings and words and things that God is "pouring" into my life, while I'm on the solid rock of the Lamb. And I believe that, and then looking down, at the bottom of my feet are these ropes coming out of the rock tied to my ankles to keep me from falling "back" into the crashing waves. I feel like that's a true vision of my life right now. 

I don't know if any of you can even understand me, but this is just my heart, and yea...I express way different than others.

xoxox

jordan