I know I haven't posted a new blog in a while...so here it goes...buckle up! Cause this one's gonna be a crazy ride....
You know when you come to a point in your life where you just want to give up, not just on one thing, but on just everything in general...that's where I kinda am right now.
I've had an emotional roller coaster ride these past weeks. And every time I seem to get going good again, I fall off the track again. Praise God I am still clean and smoke-free...
After Ethan turned 6 months old, it finally hit me smack dab in the face....he's really gone, like I'm not ever going to get to be there for anything important in his life...and it really took a tole on me. It's hard thinking about how I'm not going to be able to celebrate his birthdays with him, and the joys of planning the first birthday. The fun moments of where you baby is learning how to walk...and it's really hard thinking about all these times I will miss out on...but then the Lord reminds me of how much I am having to sacrifice so that Ethan can have the life and the things I want him to have that I can not provide for him. I could never imagine being able to do all the things for him that I know Logan and Kurt have and will do for him. I know I have to stop and think about where I would be if I had not placed him for adoption.....
I can honestly sit here and think and say that I don't think I would have made it out in the world being a single parent...that's reason for placing...
When the Lord boldly tells you that your son is only yours for the moment, and will be fulfilling other peoples dreams as their child...that's ENOUGH reason for placing...but I still doubt...
When the Lord puts Logan and Kurt on your heart, and gives you dreams about "Zane" being with them, and you don't even know that they have a book into the adoption agency...that's reason for placing....
When you go up for prayer at church, and you don't know the person, but they lay hands on your stomach and pray for you and whisper in your ear, "You know what you need to do for yourself and your son..." WOW! That's enough for me right there...then later on finding out that she's a birth mother too from Wisconsin, but never had any contact with her son until he was 21...Yeah thank you Lord, for all the confirmations you have given me...because it's in times like these that I need to actually remember them!
My spiritual walk had not been the same as it should have been...like I had just been letting everything just get ahold of me and really just take me down...and I can see through my feelings that I am not the same. I had been just constantly in a depressed mood, and not wanting to be around positive people because I didn't want to hear what they had to say about everything. I was so confused about if I was even a Christian or not...a thought that had been coming through my mind was, "Well if I am truly a Christian, why am I daily having a battle of my flesh, and why is it winning???" I really beat myself down with these thoughts...and so I began a study about being a Christian that I found in my bible, and began reading about sin, and Jesus' thoughts about sin. I have also started up reading the Conscience book that I have...
...and now just as I am sort of getting back and dusting the dirt off my scrapes, if you will, I 'm overwhelmed with life again!!!!! Ethan's adoption finalization is coming up and I know that it's a happy moment, but for me, right now, it's a very sad, very hard moment. Really, I know and understand that I signed the papers of relinquishment the day of placement, but for me I am realizing that his last name will no longer legally be Hendrix, it will officially be Hurst...and I know that in a couple of weeks after it's all said and done, I will be happy and excited for Logan and Kurt. But for right now, it's something that's hard for me to deal with. This is the time in life where I am clinging closer to God, than ever before, because I know that it's not an easy thing to go through, but I also realize that with God all things work together for my GOOD. I know that the Lord would never give me anything that I could not handle, I may think that it's the HARDEST thing in the world, and yea it is pretty stinking hard, but I also know that it's all growing me into the Christian Woman the Lord wants me to be...I know that I am fulfilling the promises of the Lord for my life.
So with all this going on....you may wonder how I am right this second...well right this second I am just living life, and praising Jesus...catch me 5 hours from now, and I may be having a melt down...because whether I like it or not, I am still on this journey of adoption and grief...and I am walking it the best way I can...
Please continue to pray for me that the Lord continues to show me things in my life, to work on and to accept...
I am still praying for a donation to put towards my probation...keep that in mind...
love you guys..
xoxo
jordan
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